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For all your Bana/Billy needs
Okay! I wrote this like FIVE MONTHS AGO (or maybe more like 3 weeks)… 
18th-Apr-2006 07:45 pm
[monaboyd] hearts
Okay! I wrote this like FIVE MONTHS AGO (or maybe more like 3 weeks) for Bana's birthday and I wasn't going to post it until she got it in the mail but apparently she's never going to get it so I'm posting it anyway.

"Have my babies," Billy Boyd said, dropping down to one knee.

Violet stared at him. She'd only answered the door because she thought it might have been the delivery man bringing her something. She liked to get things in the mail. A lot. But she didn't like it when those things were 37, balding, and Scottish. And especially not when they wanted her to pop babies out of her uterus. "No," She said, and tried to slam the door in his face. He wouldn't go away.

"Violet!" He hurled himself inside, through the door, and ran to her bedroom. She apologised to everyone else in the room and said that if she couldn't get the strange man out of the house, that she would call the cops.

When she repeated this to Billy, he just grinned at her. "I'm a celebrity! They won't throw me out! They'll ask for my autograph and I'll say you're my wife and this is all a practical joke!"

Violet turned green. "I hate you!" She screamed.

"I know you love me." Billy said, and sat down on her bed and took off his shoes and socks. "I know you want to have sex with me. I tried to send you an engagement ring in the mail. It got returned."

"That was a ring?! Damn!" Violet swore. If she'd known if contained something pawn-able, she probably wouldn't have sent it back.

"I know!" Billy seemed incredulous. "I must have written your address wrong. Even though I had my secret detecti- I mean, I checked it. Myself. Didn't hire anyone to follow you... um. So! Are we going to have sex now?"

Billy stood up and took his pants off. Violet averted her eyes. "Put your clothes back on."

"No! I want to have sex." Billy said, and looked down at his erect penis. "See? I want to have sex. With you." He clarified.

"No." Violet said. "Please put your pants on. I don't want to look at that."

Billy started to cry. "You won't have my babies?"

"No, I won't."

"Not even one?"

"Go buy a dog."

"I don't want a dog. I want babies that look like you."

Violet went and picked up the phone. Billy started singing her a love song, and the police could barely hear over it. Still, they got the gist of it - restraining order was a key phrase.

Billy left the next day on a plane back for Scotland. As soon as he got back home, he went and bought a puppy, and named it Violet.
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